Anger 2 Plumbing the depths

When you live on your own and when you have lost your intimate life-partner with whom you used to talk things over, you have to figure things out for yourself. After pondering on this situation for a while and brooding on the feckless plumber, she came to a decision: that this is a situation that demands self-assertion. She composed herself for the confrontation: steeling herself to call him up on the phone. She first informed him of the occasions that he has recently let her down and went on to ask him directly whether he thinks that perhaps something of a communication problem has arisen between them. At this point the plumber slams down the phone. He hangs up on her.

Very understandably this is disturbing and disappointing for her. Once again I imagine how it could make you pine all the more for your dead partner and the way that you may have talked over such troubles.

We are working together in an Alexander Technique session. In these lessons we have an intention and purpose: to look directly at the tissue-life of worries and tensions as they are played out moment by moment in the fabric of the body. Often, while this is being explored, usually by means of a hands-on touch contact, there is an ongoing parallel conversation. one that is channeled through the more familiar form of communication: through words and through stories and language.

At the outset she is saying to me that perhaps she was wrong to have challenged him in quite the way that she did. It did seem to result in a situation in which they both ended up feeling aggrieved and separated. The hanging-up on the phone-call captures the disturbing sense of disconnection. It was for sure, not at all a satisfying outcome taking into account that he had been the family plumber who had satisfactorily and caringly looked after the family’s plumbing problems for years.

On the word/stories side of our discourse I offered a few hopefully, supportive thoughts: that this was a difficult situation, one that we are all called upon at sometime to confront and that it was indeed a situation that rightly demanded the courage to assert oneself. I felt it was brave that she took on the confrontation. Perhaps if she had not done so it would have led to an even bigger regret and disappointment. In the circumstances it had seemed to me wholly appropriate in the circumstances for her to firmly suggest to the plumber that there had been some kind of a breakdown of communication.

In a lesson a parallel dialogue goes on through the intimacy of touch. In this other parallel discourse there is a continual gentle invitation, often unspoken, to let-go of the holding and tightness in the tissue and fabric of the body in this moment. The story of disappointment that she describes in her narrative includes an account expressed in words of how she is feeling inside and experiencing the current difficulty. However, in the moment, the holding and tension that are currently being played out in the moment is – well – just what it is: a block, an obstacle, and a hindrance. Directly confronting this experience in the sensations of the moment is a real mindfulness challenge! It demands a shift in perspective which opens-up the possibility of letting go and removing the obstacles and blocks. With the direct contact of touch it is possible to address and confront the holding without it necessarily being in any way particularly attached to the narrative tale of understandable trouble and disappointment. This is simple but not easy but it can open-up decisions to let-go that may operate at many levels. The holding and tension are the tissue life of attachment. They are “What is”. If we can connect to them then there are choices to be made in the here and now – in the present moment. If the blocks, hindrances and obstacles can be removed then the process will liberate a freer flow of matter, energy and information as it flows in a more integrated way moment by moment through the living body. I find myself continually brought back to the question: Whatever is it that stands in the way of making a direct connection that might enable such a letting go of tension and holding that might liberate an increased range of creative and constructive choices. As they open-up in the present moment they invariably bring surprises!.

The important question concerning the process of attending to and removing obstacles that stand in the way of improved flow and integrity is one that I return to at many levels: this ranges from the moment by moment hands-on contact in a lesson situation, through to moments of more reflective and personal rumination. The process seems to be one of refining intuition. It has insistently brought me back to the importance of a little used verb: ‘to arrogate’. I have to say that I return to this word continually despite the fact that I do not like the word very much at all! It often appears in a more familiar form as the word ‘arrogance‘ which conveys an inflated sense of self-importance self-centeredness. In its verb form ‘to arrogate’ may lose much of its negative connotations. At least this is the way that I choose to think about it and use it: The process of arrogation is an inevitable consequence of being in possession of a human self. So “to arrogate” in the way that I have come to think about it, is the process of taking into oneself an inappropriate sense of both responsibility and control. In fact an understanding of the process word “to arrogate” may in itself, bring about a real sense of forbearance with regard to understanding the way that the human self or ego operates. This can even deep in to become self forgiveness since it encompasses a sense of a wholly forgivable tendency that we all have, to think that we are more into the centre of things can we truly are, and that we are more in control of things and we truly are. To truly know oneself inevitably must bring about a confrontation with the Arrogation Issue. These issues form of a major block such that, if we can let-go, it will allow for a major and significant shift in perspective. As we shall see in this particular instance, it will opens up a crack in the clouds that allows the first shafts of the light of compassion to shine through.

It can be extremely helpful to appreciate that when we are stuck in the Arrogation Trap it will inevitably generate a particular type of question. It is very characteristic of these types of question that they are always shot through with self-judgment. When it happened as it did in this instance it generated the question:

“What did I do wrong. How did I mishandle that phone call?”

There is another and very much related question and it comes from the same Arrogation ‘Stable’:

“What must I do to try to fix the situation?”

It is clear that these two questions revolve around the key Arrogation Issues of self-blame/responsibility and control. They standing the way.

There is a long period of silence and stillness at the core of this lesson during which the invitation to let-go mediated through touch, continues to open possibilities and freedoms. Bear in mind here that in the context of the whole Being/Body, the ongoing Arrogation Issues definitely have a tissue life in a physical holding and attachment and they play themselves out in this present moment. It may well be that living on your own increases the clamp-like grip that certain thoughts can often have on your mind and on your thoughts: They churn around:

“Where did I go wrong with this?”

“What should I do to fix and correct the situation?”

In the dialogue that goes on in stillness and silence through touch, there is yet a deeper and more profound confrontation: with a letting go of ‘What Is’: of the tensions: the tight grip on muscles around the neck, a stiffening of the chest, a holding around the solar plexus. Always when attention and focus shifts to the present moment presence of these sensations it is accompanied not by words but by stillness and by silence.

After a long period of such deep and intimate silence there is eventually release, flow and freedom. This will never happen unless the individual is open to the possibility of its occurrence. I call this aspect of mindfulness: a prepared mind. This now initiates a significant shift of perspective. Into the space created in the mind/body complex there now emerges a totally different type of open-ended question. It is like a shaft of light lighting up new and different possibilities. It would be hard to pin this particular thought down as coming from either one of us. It does not really matter. But the question took this form:

“ Do we have really any idea of the inner state within this individual? How do we know that his inner world it’s not a conflict ridden war-zone.”

If this was the case then we get a sense that the phone call and the confrontation entered into his war zone only to be instantly perceived as sniper fire. If this was the case that he might well understandably ‘bunker-down’ and hang up -slamming down the phone. We simply don’t know. What we certainly do know is the experience of separation, conflict and a breakdown of connection. That open-ended question of uncertainty that expresses that we do not know the inner state of another individual opens up the first shaft of light of compassionate understanding.

I am brought back to the question: So what stands in its way? The clouds that obstruct that shaft of light are typical Arrogation Issues. They are inevitably self-involved and self-centered. It is a huge challenge, one that requires great courage to confront these issues and to let go in order to move beyond to new possibilities. Whenever we achieve this it opens up our latent higher creative capacities. We can grow bigger and better than the Arrogation Issues ever allow us to be! In away the closed nature of the Arrogation Questions keeps is held in contracted into the past. The open questions, The sense of a future form of infinite potential.

There are many such open –ended questions that have the potential to jolt us out of the process of self-preoccupying arrogation. There is for example, the open question:

“Perhaps there is another way or another perspective from which I can look at the situation”.

And another such question:

”Is there perhaps a lighter touch that can be brought to the situation ?”

See how the last question may with a smile, slacken the grip of a preoccupation with fixing things, of manipulating, controlling and generating a sense of victimhood and self blame?  It is always the case that these Open Questions will break out of fixed and closed loops of thinking. This Open Question generates this possible scenario: immediately when the telephone is slammed down, there is a ‘Sacred Pause’, a conscious letting-go and it makes space for a triumphant sense of: ‘Well Done’! I’ve just stepped back from entering into the minefield of somebody else’s War Zone. ‘Good Tactics!’ Ah ha! What might open up in the space that I have just created for myself?

It might be a sense of gratitude for the opportunities that now have opened-up that may include: a chance to become more self-reliant, perhaps to learn to bleed your own radiators! But there are many other possibilities emanating from that effort of letting go: In another scenario immediately after the phone has been slammed down you pick up the phone, redial and ask your friends to recommend another more reliable and convivial plumber!

There is a paradox: that letting the plumber go in this way may presage something that may evolving to a compassionate understanding of his possible inner suffering. When ever such moments of self understanding open up as they did in this lesson there is always a sense of uplift: if I blossom then you to make bloom more readily. The sense of empowerment is clear.

This clients final words : “I will pray for him”, represent a resolution in terms that I cannot fully comprehend. Dimly though I get a sense of celebrating: if I blossom you bloom – if you bloom I blossom!